


Fuckin' Perfect

by awest000000



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Human Castiel, M/M, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-15 22:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1321324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awest000000/pseuds/awest000000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel just wants it to end. It isn't worth it. He lifts the gun to his lips and slips it into his mouth, preparing to squeeze the trigger.</p>
<p>Dean is not about to let that happen. Castiel is too fuckin' perfect to him for that to happen.</p>
<p>((This is about suicidal thoughts and an attempt. Please don't read if it will trigger you. I don't know which Archive Warning to use, so I'm going to go ahead and tell you here.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuckin' Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> Suicidal warnings applied, if you didn't see the tags. Saw a post on Tumblr with this song, which nearly triggered me to do something I would have regretted. Please, PLEASE don't read if this triggers you!! Every single one of you IS perfect in your own way.
> 
> This is in no way glorifying suicide. Please, if you're having suicidal thoughts, talk to someone. Hell, you can talk to me if you want. My email is in the end notes if you need to talk. Please, if you are having suicidal thoughts, talk to someone!!! 
> 
> Just know I love you.

**Chapter Track:[ _ **Fuckin' Perfect**_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fwmhWJbeE4)**

**By: _P!NK_**

 

Castiel held the gun in his hand. He lowered himself in the bathtub, but before checking to make sure the door was locked. This was it. He couldn’t go on. He couldn’t keep going through the motions of pretending to be okay. He just… couldn’t. No one cared about him.

Everything he ever does comes back to bite him in the ass. He couldn’t do anything right. He screwed up everything. Everything he touches dies. He couldn’t do it anymore.

Castiel lifted the gun to his mouth. He was going to finally do it. He was finally going to put himself out of his misery. He slipped the muzzle between his lips, tasting the cool metal.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought about it. He wasn’t worth the space he occupied. Just one bullet would do it. He cocked the gun and placed his finger on the trigger.

One flex of his finger and it would be all over. All of it. He took a shuddering breath and tightened his grip on the handle.

***

“Damn it, Cas, answer your phone!” Dean screamed at the voicemail he received. He threw his phone on the seat next to him as he raced through town to the apartment Cas was at.

He checked the clock and gunned the engine. He couldn’t let him do it. Dean’s been waiting for this man his whole life and he’ll be damned if he let him go. Especially like this.

Dean grabbed his phone again and tried calling. Still, no answer. He growled and pressed the gas pedal even further. “Cas, you can’t do this. Just wait, a few more minutes.”

Not soon enough, Dean saw the apartment building that housed the fallen angel. He slid into the parking lot and turned off the Impala. He yanked the keys out and jumped out of the car. He raced up the steps, completely ignoring the elevators.

“Cas, don’t. Not yet. Just a few more minutes!” Dean grunted as he bounded up the flights. Why did he have to be on the fourth floor?

Dean spotted the door to the floor and burst through it. He tossed his head around, looking for apartment 421. He ran down the hallway and came to a dead end. He growled and took off in the other direction. “Come on, Cas, I’m almost there.”

Dean halted at the door to the apartment. He pounded on the door, yelling.

***

Cas was crying in the bathtub, hands shaking as he remembered. Dean. Sam. Kevin. Metatron. Gadreel. All his brothers and sisters he killed. Dean. Cas sobbed again and got ready to squeeze the trigger.

***

“Cas, open the goddamned door!” Dean yelled. Looking around and seeing no other possibility, raised his leg and kicked in the door. It flew open and Dean charged in. He heard faint sobbing coming from the bathroom. He ran headlong to the door. He tried to open the door. Locked. _Shit._

***

Cas heard the door knob jiggle, so he looked up. Frantic beating came from the other side, but he couldn’t imagine who it was. Everyone he knew hated him. A voice came from the door and he couldn’t believe who it was.

***

Dean was breathing rapidly. For all he knew, Cas could already be dead. He could have just imagined the sobbing and crying. He had to keep trying, though. “Cas, please. Open the door. Don’t do this.” Tears stung at his eyes as he continued, “Listen, I know I’ve been a dick, but please. I can’t--.” He stopped as a sob cut him off. “Castiel,” Dean whispered.

***

The quiet whisper from beyond the door sent Cas into hysterical crying. “Dean?” he sobbed.

“Castiel, please. Don’t. I can’t be without you. I know how horrible I’ve been, but you’ve got to listen to me.” Dean choked on a sob but pressed on. “I can’t. Cas, you don’t have any idea what’ll happen to me if you kill yourself.” After several tense, quiet moments, the next murmur is what propels Cas to open the door.

“I can’t hunt without my perfect Angel.”

Cas launches out of the tub and fumbles with the lock before wrenching the door open. In front of him, Dean stands looking completely wrecked. A pair of strong arms pulls Cas in for a strong hug. He dropped the gun on the floor and gripped the front of Dean’s shirt, unwilling to let go.

“Castiel,” Dean chokes out. “Please, don’t ever do that again. I won’t be able to handle it.”

Cas pulled away and looked at Dean in confusion. “Dean… why?” The simple question brought fresh tears to his eyes.

With a quivering lip, Dean answered, “Please don’t ever feel like you’re less than fucking perfect, Castiel. Please, if you ever feel like you’re nothing. Just remember. You’re _fucking_ perfect to me. You’re so mean when you talk about yourself, Cas. You were wrong Castiel.”

He wiped the new tears off of his angel’s face and continued, “You’re nothing less than fuckin’ perfect, Cas. We all make it eventually, Cas. We’re all filled with hatred. It’s such a tired game, I know.”

Cas whimpered and said quietly, “Dean I’ve chased all my demons. I’ve seen you do the same. It’s not enough. I know no one wants anything to do with me.”

Dean shook his head and replied, “Why do you do that, Cas? Please, don’t feel you’re less than fucking perfect.”

He led them to the couch and sat them down. Cas had calmed down some, but not enough for Dean to be satisfied.

He stroked his hair and quietly whispered again, just to get his point across, “You’re fucking perfect to me, Castiel. No matter what happens, you’ll always be perfect to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you're having suicidal thoughts, email me! elephantsinpajamas@gmail.com
> 
> Message me on Tumblr, as well! http://elephants-in-pajamas.tumblr.com/


End file.
